If you want to know how to flirt, you have come to the right place.
This is all our own original advice from trial and error in flirting and has been tested over the past 6 years+
How to flirt: This is usually the first thing that takes place in the flirting game. You will see someone out of the corner of your eye or you will just feel them looking at you, burning a hole into you with their stare! You then look at them and if you like them, you make eye contact and hold it for a second, if you don’t, you look away instantly.
How to flirt using eye contact: when you look at someone you find attractive, don’t just look at them and then think:
‘oh damn their staring back! What do I do? Break eye contact quickly! Look at the floor, no look at the wall next to them… or better still drop your gaze to look at the floor!’ This is one of the biggest mistakes people make when using eye contact to flirt, it stems from a lack of confidence or feeling inferior to the other person.
To flirt correctly, you must hold eye contact with her for about 2 seconds for the best effect, any shorter and she will think you’re probably not interested, and any longer and it’s creepy.
How to flirt: Follow up the eye contact with a little smile, nothing too over the top, you’re not looking to light up the room… just yet. She will see that you are holding eye contact with her which means that you are a confident and friendly guy.
How to flirt: There is a correct way to check someone out and then there are all the other ways! Men are particularly BAD at this, they tend to start at the top of a woman’s body and then quickly make their way down and then instantly back up again to stop on the chest area. I mean sometimes their gaze doesn’t even make it all the way down, they just stop on the chest area! It doesn’t matter how sneaky the men think they are being, they always get caught!
If you are a guy reading this, please please please do not spend all day/night just staring at the women’s boobs, it’s just degrading – yes I know they wear really low cut tops and sparkly necklaces then pretend to stretch their back, thus thrusting their breasts forward to trick you into looking, we all fall for it! Then when you do look they get offended!
It’s crazy I know but it’s just the way it is! Looking once you can get away with, but don’t fall for it twice because they will accuse you of being a pervert! I know, it’s a crazy world we live in these days.
The way to check out a woman properly is to make eye contact, then to look down to her feet and then back up again to hold eye contact, this should be done in about 2 seconds (so fairly slowly.) Follow this up with a smile.
How to flirt:
0 seconds: holding eye contact
1 second: eyes stop on feet
2 seconds: back up to maintain eye contact again.
3 seconds: smile.
Any longer and it seems like you are inspecting them as opposed to checking them out or they will think you are looking them up or down in a judgmental way, either way, you don’t want to give off this impression.
Any shorter than 2 seconds and it shows nervousness or a lack of confidence, maybe even ‘ok he looked at me and then looked away so quickly that I don’t think he is interested’ – the fact that you are shy doesn’t come into the equation, women will assume the worst case scenario which is that you are not that interested.
How to flirt: Once you have gone through steps 1-3 above (or even just steps 1-2) Number 3 is optional depending on how confident you are! You really need to break away from your group of guys for a moment.
If you don’t break off from the guys, the woman will see you as just another ‘typical’ guy trying to hit on her and only after 1 thing. Even worse, if your mates are watching you, she may perceive this as your group trying to play some sort of a trick or bet at her expense.
Be confident and walk over to her on your own, leave the guys behind.
How to flirt: Do you get excited by flirting? Most people do, I know I do. I love to see a woman over a crowded room holding eye contact with me before I shoot her a smile.
1. It’s fun and 2. it’s exciting for both of you. Next you either need to take instant action and go over there and spark up a conversation or, wait until an opportunity makes itself available later in the evening like going to the bar at the same time etc.
What makes people nervous in this scenario, you know, the whole butterfly’s thing? For some, or indeed most, it’s the thought of even ‘thinking’ about going over to talk to her, let alone ‘doing’ it! In fact for most people, it’s so overpowering that you just will not do it. FULL STOP. What is the fear? Do you know? Well in 99.9% of cases, It’s the fear of rejection and/or embarrassment.
Just remember that if she has returned your eye contact you can and should go over to say hi. If she returns a smile in my experience, then definitely go and say hi! Think about it now, would you honestly smile back at some guy that was drunk and messing around with his mates if you didn’t like the look of him or didn’t find him funny?! No.
If however, you do like someone and you don’t go over there or at the minimum say hi, you will kick yourself afterwards! Trust me, I know! We’ve all had it, I’m sure you can think back to a time now where you thought should I say something or not, then didn’t… you then spent days or even weeks afterwards regretting it and having it play on your mind. ‘Oh… what if…..’
How to flirt: You need to maintain eye contact and smile, then walk over to her really casually like it’s no big deal. Imagine that she is an old friend and you’re just going to say hi. Relax. Take a deep breath and compose yourself if need be beforehand.
The important thing here is confidence. Approach her in a confident and friendly way and the rest should flow naturally. Believe me, this takes a lot of practice before you feel really comfortable doing it. I have friends in the dating community who approach women every day to start conversations, and they all told me the same thing, the first time they approach a woman on any given day, they feel anxiety. These guys are the best in the business and they feel a small amount of anxiety!
So relax, there is no secret formula to completely eradicate what’s called approaching anxiety, you just have to go for it, take a chance! What’s the worst that can happen? The more you do something, the better at it you become and the more comfortable it starts to feel.
How to flirt: It is extremely important to hold strong, positive, confident body language at all times. Even before you see the person that you like, there is a chance that they have already caught a glimpse of you. We all have a gift for speed reading people, even if you don’t realize it.
When you see someone slouched in a chair do you think, ‘wow, she looks confident!’ or do you think, she looks relaxed, lazy or unmotivated to name just a few. When you are in a book shop, coffee shop or even a bar, a lot of people will notice you and they will speed read you. Some will do this to see if you are a threat, others, to see if you could be a partner, and other people like me just speed read everyone to build up a picture of a person and who they are and what their personality traits are – it really is that powerful! You can all develop this unique ability just by watching and talking to people, I have been a people watcher my whole life so slipping into this transition came naturally to me.
Ok, so we’ve covered the approach, now were going to talk about what to do once you get over there and into a conversation:
How to flirt: When you start to talk to her (after the approach,) maintain a strong open posture of body language. Do not cross your legs or arms as this means ‘closed’ and you don’t want to portray this.
Keep a grounded position with your feet and keep your posture strong, straight and open. Don’t slouch. Don’t fidget. Don’t put your hands in your pockets either, just drop your hands to your side and only move them for gesturing and touching her. For added flirting techniques, you can touch your hair, play with your hair, mirror her body language and stroke any cylindrical objects that you have in your hand or have nearby – the last one is actually a very subtle naughty subconscious suggestion that will go unnoticed to her conscious mind – but her subconscious will know exactly what it means!
How to flirt: Flirting is about being happy and positive. You can’t flirt whilst being glum, sad, fed up or angry, it just doesn’t work. Always be positive, if they are talking about something that you find extremely boring or irritating, just smile and laugh where applicable and change the subject as soon as you notice a pause in the conversation… the best way is usually to say something along the lines of… “You mentioned that you liked…” – take the conversation away, preferably on a happy or positive note as a negative conversational thread will not do either of you any favors, a negative coversation will drain your energy levels and drop you to their level of enthusiasm, not good. Being happy and positive will get you at the very minimum, a new friend and possibly more. Being moody or boring will get you…well nothing, well maybe a bus or taxi home…
How to flirt: Asking questions is very important, it shows that you are taking an interest in this persons’ life. Questions are so important, in fact they can really make or break the interaction. Asking the right questions in the right places will show you as interesting, interested and a good listener.
The people who usually make a bad impression are those that just listen to the other person talking and say “um um yeah sure” and then either take a sip of their drink or look away for a second – bad move. You are saying to the other person: ‘jeez this is a boring conversation.’ If she is telling you how much she loves horse riding, ask questions about horse riding! It’s simple! “Oh wow, do you own your own horse?” “Do you compete” “Have you ever raced” – that was 3 questions there off the top of my head! It really is easy to ask questions and take an interest.
This is a big mistake that most guys make in that they don’t get involved with the other person’s life during the conversation, they don’t ask about their life and their hobbies, when you should, it builds a deep connection and gives the impression that she knows you.
How to flirt: Carrying on from the point above, when discussing hobbies or lifestyle, it is absolutley key that you make a connection on these areas. If she is passionate about dog grooming… ; ) then you should take an interest! Make that connection! If she loves ballet, say how you have always wanted to go and watch ballet but no one would ever go with you etc! … really… show an interest in their passions and MAKE THAT CONNECTION!
How to flirt: What do I mean by a non-verbal connection? Mainly touch, also known as kino or kinosthetics. It is the connection that you are creating with the person stood in front of you without opening your mouth, this is a connection on a much deeper level, on the ‘subconcsious’ level.
Without even realising it, we can become more attracted to someone just by their touching us in subtle non creepy ways. It could be a light touch on the arm when making an important point or a little hit on the arm when making a joke. It could even be ‘accidentally’ brushing their leg against your’s when talking. These are all subtle moves that you can and should make during an interaction. The other person will not find this creepy as long as you do this naturally. The key here is not to look at the area that you are touching as this draws attention to what you are doing – try it; practice makes perfect.
This also ties in again with Body Language as we were discussing above,
How to flirt:
Weak Body Language = Weak Person.
Strong Powerful Body Language = Strong, Confident Person.
How to flirt: When complimenting someone that you find attractive, you need to be very careful of the compliments that you give out. Certainly do not compliment on physical image in the outset, those compliments are saved for the beginning of the first date: “wow, you look beautiful/amazing”and of course the second date onwards.
When complimenting a person that you do not know, say how you like her dress/shoes etc, basically anything that isn’t a part of their physical image (eyes, teeth, hair etc.) We don’t compliment on physical things because it subcosciously sets the wrong precedence instantly. Think about this now from the woman’s perspective, you meet a guy that look’s quite handsome and he say’s, “wow, you are so beautiful, you have the most amazing eyes and your legs are as smooth as silk” creepy right? Ok a more realistic example, “wow, you are so beautiful” – a great compliment that most women would love to get but it instantly says, ‘this person is not a challenge for me to get’ he has already told me that he fancies me, it’s just no challenge!
We all love the chase, when you bounce a ball in front of a cat, it want’s it bad – as soon as you stop bouncing that ball, it loses interest.
How to flirt: We all want the things that are the hardest to get, look at antiquees as an example, the rarer they get, the more valuable they become. People are the same, the more unique and valuable someone becomes, the more people want them.
How to flirt: Keep the conversation light! Do not talk about anything too in depth unless they take the conversation deeper, in this situation you are on to a good thing here as they obviously think that you are a good listener and trust you enough to discuss it with you. If however, the conversation is going in depth on a negative subject, like loss, tragedy etc, try to change the mood of the conversation to a lighter note. Yes sometimes it helps for people to get things off their chest and it could even help you to get a date, but in my experience, it’s not good to date someone in this mindset that has just suffered some form of heartbreak in whatever form.
Stay away from topics like politics, religion, money and all the other usual ‘no no’ controversial areas. People don’t want to hear about those things and it will not do anything in helping you to generate attraction. ‘Ooh this guy is really turning me on with his talk on politics, yes I love the Conservative party too’ – I don’t think…
How to flirt: I have covered this area above in non verbal communication so I wont go too in depth. Light touching is extremely important in the atttraction process. Without touching, you are more or less, just a friend, and this is the problem that a lot of guys have with women. They think they are getting on great with a woman and get all excited that they have met this amazing woman yet, the women is thinking… wow, what a ‘nice’ guy, I could talk to him about anything. Notice the difference? You have fallen into the ‘friend zone’ because you didn’t flirt! You didn’t create any sexual or emotional chemistry. You didn’t convey that: I find you attractive, and I am not the male best friend.
How to flirt: Although there is no touch involved at all, whispering is actually a very sexual activity. It creates an unnaturally close distance between the two of you and creates a lot of stimulation to both the neck and of course the ear itself which is also very attune to arousal. This can be linked to what couples do during foreplay when they whisper in each others ears and nibble on the ear to create sexual stimulation
These good flirting tips are general rules of thumb that apply to guys in the 21st Century. There’s a lot of bad advice floating around when it comes to dating and flirting, whether it’s on the Internet or coming from friends and relatives. These tips are based on common sense and real dating scenarios from our team of dating coaches, so you can feel confident that they’ll work for you!
You can try out as many flirting techniques as you want, but they won’t work if they’re not coming from a solid foundation. That foundation is a sense of self belief and confidence in your own being. If you doubt yourself and second-guess what you say and do, it will lead to a downward spiral.
In other words, if you don’t act in a way that gives her person permission to flirt with you, then she probably won’t!
Keep it Light
Some guys have a tendency to turn every light and casual conversation into a serious one. This is a surefire way to kill any flirtatious vibes that may be in the air. Keep the conversation fun, humorous and light.
By the way, unless you don’t know this already: talking about your ex is not good flirting conversation. If you mention an ex it should be in a very positive light and very related to the topic of conversation, but even then avoid it as much as possible; always look for a way to change the conversation where you can.
Pay Close Attention
The reason many people aren’t good at flirting is because they spend too much time thinking about what they’re going to say next, rather than paying attention to what the other person is saying. If you put your focus on what she is saying, carrying on the conversation in a spontaneous way becomes easy. Stop thinking about what clever line or topic you can come up with to impress her and start listening more. Really listen to what she is saying and connect with her on an emotional level.
Smiling and Eye Contact
If you understand nothing else about flirting, just knowing these little things can save you.
So much of flirting centers around the non-verbal cues we send with our bodies and faces, mainly in our eyes and our smiles. First of all, people find smiling more attractive than serious faces – so guys, get rid of the James Bond look unless you look like Daniel Craig!
If you can pull off a seductive face and you’ve had good results with it, by all means go ahead – but often people trying to look sexy just end up looking angry or weird. In short, if you’re not sure, be on the safe side and smile. Try it out with a female friend, the smile wins every time – hands down. The smile activates so many muscles in your face that it makes your eyes like a lot better and more friendly.
Eye contact is a very important element of flirting that you should understand too. Maintaining eye contact displays confidence and interest. Breaking or not holding eye contact displays insecurity and dis-interest. Women are big on confident guys, if you can’t hold her gaze, you’ll probably lose her.
The last of our good flirting tips relates to keeping it the interaction light, but it’s more to do with your attitude than the topics of conversation you choose. If you notice yourself saying a lot of negative stuff, this can turn people off. Instead, make a habit of reframing everything that happens in the most positive light possible and laugh about it if you can. Always use positivity rather than negativity in any situation.
Utilizing this guide on how to flirt and mastering these concepts will help you land a date with a girl or guy of your dreams in no time. Now get out there and get to flirting!
Craig is the founder of LifeGuider, he is dedicated to improving not only himself but also others in being more physically fit and mentally capable of handling life’s challenges. He is not your regular life coach, no fancy clothes or fast cars, just a regular “Ole Joe” who has experienced the ups and downs of life like everyone else.